Reflection....

i dont know where to start from but this entry will be more about my disappointment towards myself..

many of my friends might have notice that i have high level of anxiety attack (since forever).. i think it wa obviously seen especially when i had to give presentation in front of other people ( i.e. during my micro/macro teaching in the undergrad's years.. if you still remember the moment that i have to do microteaching for MTW class...that was truly embarassing..) My lesson plans would be really beautiful in terms of the flow of the lessons, however, i usually failed when i have to present it to the class.. Some of you might have notice, and the rest may not...

And due to the above matter, it affects my fluency and language use during the interview or presentations.. I dont know how to rectify that weaknesses of mine. During the interview, my grammar went all over the place, me myself notice that BUT... i cannot constantly correcting myself and it would be really awkward... Also, due to the problems, i dont think i have sufficient self confidence whenever i have to attend any interviews.. even thoufgh i have experienced it before, the moment i stepped into the room, only God knows how nervous I'd be ... To tell you the truth of how bad my anxiety level are, the day i attended that Mara interview, i could not sleep at all the night before... my heart was pumping too fast like it was about to blow up any minute, with no familiar faces around me during the interview, unlike the previous interview i had last semester, at least there were ceda and ira...

One of my friends said that i was the only one who is thinking the way i'm thinking right now... but how can i be sure about that?? Or she just didnt want to hurt my feelings and said all the nice things about me in front of me, and keeping me live in denial?? i dont know....she might be honest and she might be not...( for the statement only...deep down, i believe that she is an honest person)

So now the main question is, am i qualified to hold the degree i'm holding right now??? I am so damn afraid to answer that question...